Park Slope Moms

by Alexandra Foucard

INT. GRADE SCHOOL AUDITORIUM - NIGHT
MOMS, TEACHERS and PRINCIPAL, but mostly moms, cringe in
their seats as a yoga pants and power suit clad SUSAN, mid to
late 40s, PTA President berates them from a podium on a
stage. Seated behind her, focused on her phone, is PTA V.P.,
CARLEY, early 40s, in high end yoga gear.
SUSAN
People, there’s a lot of work to be
done! The teachers need feedback on
the ipads, we’re behind on the box
top entries, our Treasurer quit.
And at least half of you missed the
Flash Fund raiser. And, guess what
people? It’s. Only. October. We’ve
got the Harvest Party coming up. If
we don’t pull it together we are
going to let our kids down. Is that
what you want parents of PTA519?!
MOMS murmur “no” and fidget with recycling, compost
containers and boxes of box tops on their laps.
SUSAN
I had high hopes for us this
semester. Call me a cock-eyed
optimist. Right, Carley?
CARLEY
(without looking up)
Right! Cock-eyed.
Susan stares down various Parents, who squirm under her
spotlight. PAULA, early 40s, in high end yoga gear slouches
in the front row and drinks iced coffee. Susan notices.
SUSAN
Glad your so relaxed, Paula. You do
realize this is about your son’s
education? His future at this
school depends on your
participation. I mean that
metaphorically of course.
Paula hauls herself to a slightly more upright position.
Carley looks up from her phone and gives Paula an “I’m so
sorry” look.
SUSAN
And you, Harriet. This elementary
school is shaping future leaders of
the free world and from what I hear
you can’t be bothered to make sure
your son wears clean underwear.
Carley switches focuses back on her phone. Harriet swallows
her anger and literally chokes on it. Parents around her pat
her on the back while Harriet coughs.
The auditorium door squeaks as ANGELA, mid to late 30s, in
worn but spotless yoga gear backs in holding a tray of mini
vanilla and chocolate cupcakes.
Everyone turns to the door and freezes except Harriet whose
cough peters out slowly. Angela spins and rushes to place her
tray of cupcakes on the stage before Susan.
ANGELA
(to Susan)
Sorry I’m late. Cupcake?
Angela takes a regular sized cupcake from a special box.
Susan glares, Angela withers leaves the tray as an offering
on the stage and sits next to Paula as Susan chastises her.
Carley looks up from her phone, rolls her eyes and looks at
Angela.
SUSAN
(gets a cupcake)
Angela. You’d think someone so
persistent in advocating for their
math-loving son--
ANGELA
Sorry, Susan but it’s my daughter.
Aretha. My sons...
SUSAN
If you truly wanted us to fund a
new math class for Aretha I think
you’d have gotten here on time.
Request denied.
ANGELA
But, I’m the Room Mom and I baked
cupcakes.
SUSAN
A good Room Mom sets an example.
Get here on time.
Cherry (06/03/2017) 2.
Angela looks like she’s about to cry. Carley mouths “I’m
sorry” to her. Susan devours a cupcake.
The LIGHTS GO OFF AND ON. MURMURS. LIGHTS FLICKER AGAIN.
Susan yells, red velvet cake still in her teeth.
 SUSAN
What the hell is going on?
Gasps are heard from the audience.
Where is the respect for the PT--
Susan’s eyes roll in her head and she looks briefly about to
faint. She straightens up and starts taking off clothes.
SUSAN
(to Carley)
Open a window!
CARLEY
There aren’t any windows in here.
Susan? Are you okay?
SUSAN
Do I look okay? I’m burning up!
Susan drips sweat. She fans herself with her blazer and
continues to disrobe. Carley stands.
SOME PARENTS
(Staggering whispers) Menopause.
CARLEY
W.H.A.T. are you doing?
Paula sits up, drinks more iced coffee. Angela sits next to
her. PREPPY MARY, seated behind Paula and Angela, leans
forward.
PREPPY MARY
What in the world? Did you spike
her cupcake?
ANGELA
Of course not!
PREPPY AYANA
Well, that’s too bad.
PREPPY AYANA, next to Preppy Mary, angles her phone for a
selfie with half-naked Susan behind her.
MURMURS from the crowd as Carley tries to stop Susan from
removing her yoga pants.
SUSAN
Stop stopping me!
CARLEY
Susan, this isn’t appropriate. What
if this gets on YouTube or
Instagram? It could go viral? Think
about the children. Our funding!
SUSAN
All you care about is the damn fund
raising. I am a human being! I am
important! Do you see the blue
light?
CARLEY
What blue light?
Susan reels when Carley says ‘blue light’. Susan’s eyes go
back in her head again momentarily, and then--
SUSAN
QUACK!
CARLEY
Excuse me?
Susan speaks like she’s explaining something but all that
comes out is quacks.
SUSAN
QUACK! Quack quack quack quack
quack-quack quack. QUACK QUACK!
PAULA
What the duck?
Parents stand, watching in disbelief. Some make calls, others
begin videotaping. Some moms help Carley.
ANGELA
Something weird going on.
PAULA
Thanks Captain Obvious.
Preppy Mary is on the stage. She snaps a photo of Susan, now
seated, as Carley covers her with her blazer. The flash of
the photo makes Susan blink hard.
SUSAN
Do you smell pickles?
Susan SCREAMS and jumps up throwing off the blazer. She wipes
“things” off her clothes and runs off the stage.
CARLEY
O.M.G., not again.
SUSAN
Frogs! Frogs! Too many frogs!
Paula smiles holds up her cup to make a toast to Angela.
Angela frowns.
PAULA
I guess this leaves Carley in
charge. And we get a break.
ANGELA
Yeah but don’t you feel bad for
Susan? Oh no! Her poor kids!
CARLEY
(to the crowd)
Meeting adjourned. I’ll email you
tonight with a new date and time.
PREPPY MARY
I’m busy! Can’t we just choose an
interim president now?
PAULA
I nominate Carley Fuller-Fowler!
PREPPY MARY
Second!
PAULA
All in favor?
MANY PARENTS
Aye!
PAULA
Against?
A few quiet NAYs.
PAULA
Congratulations, President Fuller-
Fowler.
Carley secretly beaming...
Cherry (06/03/2017) 5.
CARLEY
I accept the position of interim
president until Susan feels better.
I’ll email everyone about the
Harvest Party. Meeting adjourned.
INT. GRADE SCHOOL AUDITORIUM - CARLEY'S FANTASY- NIGHT
Carley stands at the podium. PTA moms in the audience give
her a standing ovation. Flowers are being thrown on stage.
Angela and Paula appear with a gigantic trophy.
PAULA
Not only were you voted best in
everything...
ANGELA
You’re were also voted THE best PTA
president ever!


Writer's excerpt courtesy NYWIFT (NYWIFT.ORG)